Life After Web

As I wrote about yesterday, I have begun choosing a word for the year rather than deal with resolutions that would fall flat quickly.

Choosing a word for the coming year proved a bit more difficult for me than in the past. I have a baby due near the end of January which makes it hard for me to envision exactly what my year will look like.

Obviously there will be a new little loved one in my happy little family and I know it will impact our daily lives dramatically, but it’s hard to fathom what that means until it actually happens. So when it came time to start looking ahead for what I want in 2011, I was having trouble pinning it down.

While on the phone with a very dear friend last week, I mentioned my word of the year conundrum and said I may just carry “shine” with me from this year right on through to next year, but that I didn’t feel it was quite right.

Let me say here that there is absolutely nothing that can take the place of a friend who thoroughly understands you and can help light the way when you’re lost. And my friend did just that.

As I talked to her about my need to prepare myself for new motherhood, being able to care for my family and also make sure I don’t lose myself along the way, she suggested the word she saw for me: “nurture.”

I thought about it. I rolled it around on my tongue a little. I let my imagination conjure images and definitions. The more I thought about the word “nurture,” the more I felt both at peace and energized by its possibilities.

So I’m going with it. Because this year I want to nurture my little baby boy when he gets here. I want to continue to nurture my husband and my stepson. Equally important, I want to nurture myself, my desires, my creativity, my quiet time. I want to continue writing because that’s where I get my focus and my drive.

The dictionary defines “nurture” as follows…

1. to feed and protect: to nurture one’s offspring.
2. to support and encourage, as during the period of training or development; foster: to nurture promising musicians.
3. to bring up; train; educate.

It’s the second definition that really hits home for me: “to support and encourage.” That’s what I want to do for myself, my family, my friends, my acquaintances, and my home in 2011.

What will you choose for your word of the year?

I’ve been reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, which follows her journey through a year of trying various happiness resolutions.

The biggest lesson I’m getting from the book isn’t necessarily her particular resolutions, rather it is to stop and think before reacting in a situation.

Throughout the book Gretchen gives some examples of irritating moments in daily family life.Like when her kids are bickering or when she or her husband are in a bad mood. You know those times.

What I’ve found intriguing is that due to her happiness project, she was sometimes able to pause in that moment before reacting to look at things from a different point of view, then react more creatively.

It’s easy to yell or join the bickering or get defensive or say something resolutely to the moody party like, “then just fix it.” In her moments of pause, however, Gretchen had the presence of mind to realize how she would normally react and realize that such a reaction may not solve the problem or may even add more stress to the situation.

For example, when she found her two daughters arguing and crying, she marched to their room and almost told them to “knock it off” or some other such parentism. But she didn’t. She stood in the doorway, realized that probably wouldn’t actually make them stop, and instead said something like, “Crying always makes me thirsty. I’m going to get you girls some water.” Soon they were all in the kitchen drinking water and Gretchen even got her girls to laugh.

Wow.

So that’s the sort of mindfulness I’m trying to bring into my own life now. When I feel a gut reaction rising, I’m pausing (when I remember to) to ask myself if whatever I was about to say will actually help the situation. If the answer is no, I’m taking another minute to get creative with my responses.

When my husband gets yet another work call on a night or weekend, rather than what has become my standard reaction (a huff or rolling my eyes or asking, “seriously?”), I’m trying to be more mindful of the fact that he’s just as irritated about the interruption as I am. It doesn’t help to have me adding my annoyance to the situation. Instead, I try to give him a sympathetic look as if to say, “I know it stinks that you are stuck working during free time.”

Or like yesterday, when my stepson came home from school hyper and without saying hello told me he was going to a friend’s house, my gut reaction was to say something like, “Not even a hello? Just ‘you’re going to so-and-so’s house? You didn’t ask our permission. What other homework to you have? What about chores?”

Instead, I paused. I realized a stream of questions and parentisms wasn’t going to make for a lighter mood. I also realized that my stepson often says he has plans that turn out not to go through and this might just be another kids-talked-at-school-but-didn’t-run-it-by-parents-yet situation.

Having that moment really helped. From there we had a discussion about the school project for which he is partnered with the aforementioned friend and what they need to accomplish together. We talked about the good grade he got on a quiz and we discussed what homework he had. I asked him if his friend had spoken to his mother yet, to which the answer was no. So I sent him on his way to carry about his afternoon and asked him to get back to me when he had talked to his friend and to please let me know what time he would want me to drive him over and what time he needed to be picked up.

No bickering. No struggle. And you know what? The plans never materialized, so had I gotten worked about it in the beginning, it would have all been for naught anyway.

That Gretchen sure is onto something.