Finding Gold

Monday, February 1, 2010 at 9:45 am (fun, life, photography)

In a Joy Rebel Mission Monday two weeks ago, Brandi challenged her readers to choose a color and then go out in the world to photograph things you find in that color.

I chose the color gold and headed to New York that Thursday toting my point-and-shoot camera. During my walk to the office I was keenly aware of how many gold things there were in the city: doors, signs, hydrants, lights. I’d never really noticed that before.

In just a few blocks, I took a dozen photos. A few of my favorites are in the collage below.

Because I was on a mission to seek out a color, I noticed things I hadn’t noticed in my two years of working in the city. I became more aware of details on the path I follow several times a week. It just goes to show that no matter how familiar you think something is, there is always something new to learn.

I plan on repeating this mission with other colors and in other places. Imagine all of the treasures this world is waiting for us to find.

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Full Moon Dreamboard – Light

Saturday, January 30, 2010 at 7:32 pm (life, thoughts)
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I’ve done some vision board collaging in my journal before, but this is the first time I have participated in Jamie Ridler’s Full Moon Dreamboards.

However, I wasn’t feeling much like the old magazines/scissors/glue method today. Instead I opted for looking through my photographs to see what stood out to me today. So here is my first Full Moon Dreamboard:

From left to right: the sunrise Thursday morning, the sun on a cloudy winter day, and the stained glass windows of a church on New Year’s Eve.

Light is playing a big part in my life right now, which became even more clear to me as I gravitated to these photos. I’m learning to shine my own inner light without fear and without expectations.

To see what others are dreaming about, visit Jamie’s post.

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Grandpa

Friday, January 29, 2010 at 2:18 pm (life)

A week ago today I arrived in Florida 14 hours after the death of my grandpa. The next five days were a whirlwind of activity as the entire family worked together to arrange services and comfort one another.

None of us were prepared for this loss. It will take some time to figure out how to go about our daily lives with this void in our hearts.

The one thing I’m not sad about is that grandpa got his money’s worth out of this life. He remained active, stayed busy, and lent a helping hand until his body gave out and, as he would have said, the Lord called him home.

I miss him a lot. I’m also sad for my grandma who is trying to figure out how to be “just me” instead of half of a “we.”

I wrote about his generosity and his perfect answers on Too Many Toasters- my blog about families. Read it here: Saying Goodbye to Grandpa.

Grandpa was and still is an inspiration to me.

Now, go hug or call or write to your loved ones. I sent my grandpa a birthday card two weeks ago and I visited him last summer. Looking back now, I’m so happy I did.

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Vocabulary of an English Graduate (lots of monster battling here)

Friday, January 15, 2010 at 11:24 am (life)
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I have a degree in English. I should be prolific and insightful and bordering on snooty. Isn’t that how English graduates are supposed to act? I should use big words like… I don’t know. See my problem? I can’t even think of any.

Yet there is this monster that comes up for me every time I read something I feel like I need to look up. This week it was a quote on Havi’s blog from <a href=one of her Item! Posts: “I like to… laugh at anything that pokes fun at commercialism, holiday treacle, or extreme reverence.”

“Treacle?” “Reverence?” When I read things like this the monster attacks me with “Why don’t you use words like that? You should know what treacle means. You should be able to use it in casual conversation. You are a disgrace to English graduates everywhere!”

It’s a mean, mean monster.

So when the monster reared his ugly head this week, I didn’t bow to its authority. I talked back. “No, I don’t know what treacle means. In fact, I don’t care. I like the way I talk. I like the way I write, sentence fragments and all. Take your ‘shame on you’ lecture and go pick on someone your own size. I’m just fine here.”

I’ve been doing a lot of talking back these days. Last week I trash talked the universe on Twitter. The other day I practiced changing the thought when the angry monster wanted me to growl at people. Now this.

I’m battling these monsters one by one. I’m done taking their crap. It is their turn to fear me.

I will not change the way I write to match some preconceived notion of what I’m supposed to do. I like to write in a conversational way. I think it’s meaningful. I like inserting my goofy jokes even if no one gets them but me.

I don’t have an ostentatious vocabulary (yes, I used a thesaurus) and I’m okay with that. Moreover, it doesn’t mean I’m dumb or that I’m a failure to the English language.

So to this monster who tries to tell me I’m a dunce, I bid farewell. You are no longer welcome here.

P.S. To the lovely Havi and Liz Enslin- This post in no way reflects my opinion of either of you. I think you are both divine! Keep doing what you’re doing and, dangit, use whatever words are true to you!

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Changing Words

Sunday, January 3, 2010 at 8:15 pm (life, thoughts)
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Last year I chose a word of the year on Christine Kane’s recommendation. The word I chose was focus. My intention was to use that word to help me focus on one thing at a time, to focus on breaking nervous habits like leg shaking, and focus on where I was spending my attention.

I kept that word in the back of my mind, drawing on it for subtle reminders to put down the cell phone or laptop or to spend some time letting my creativity run wild. It seems to have served me well.

A few weeks ago, I set out in search of a new word for 2010. I started along the lines of simplicity, be, and enough. Then I thought release. I tried it on for size, rolling it around in my mind for a little while.

In my frustration over a dresser drawer that was in disarray, I heard “release” and pulled out clothes to donate that I no longer needed or loved. On a tough day I allowed myself to release past pains and release my fears.

Then the battery on the van gave out. Then my husband’s indestructible tungsten wedding band broke after a small tumble from the counter. (This is the second time the indestructible ring has broken, so it isn’t as indestructible as advertised.) Then, of course, there was the day I dropped the baby Jesus while putting away my miniature nativity set. The baby Jesus survived and I laughed to myself because the word release was definitely showing its down side. The next day I dropped five different ornaments when packing up the tree and I started to think maybe I should go back to the drawing board.

On December 30th, something happened. My dog, Bruno, was suddenly very ill. I made three visits to the vet in four days and this weekend after bleak blood results indicating both his kidney and liver had shut down, I had to let him go. Even as I type this, I’m crying. I strengthened myself for him, pushed aside my fear of all things medical, and held him the entire time. I rejoiced for the nine good years we had together (pretty much my entire adult life). I certainly can’t be sad for that, but I’m sad to have had to say goodbye so soon.

My husband and my friends (who corralled around me with hugs via phone) and I all had to agree release was not the right word for me this year. I’m just not ready for all of the “opportunities” to prove I am able to release. My friend noted that my energy must be really strong, which is good, and that we should put some extra care in choosing a new word.

So here I am a few days in to 2010 without a word of the year. I’m jotting a few down. Feeling how they resonate. I don’t think I’ve found the right one yet. I’ll keep looking. I’m sure when the time is right, a new word will present itself.

In the meantime, it’s still me and Bruno against the world, even if only in spirit.

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End of Year Chicken

Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 3:35 pm (life, thoughts)

Havi Brooks does this thing on her blog called the Friday Chicken, wherein every Friday she talks about the hard and the good aspects of her week. I think it’s a great exercise, so I thought I’d give it a try as an end of year review. Turns out she did the same thing in New Year’s: The Great 2009 Chicken. I was going to call it the Year End Chicken, but I think The Great 2009 Chicken has more flair. Anyhow, on with the list…

The Hard

Infertility
This year started off with me still trying to move past a miscarriage from the end of 2008. This is probably the hardest thing I dealt with this year. I cried. A lot. I sunk into depression. I tried to focus on the good things, but it just didn’t help that I felt empty and lost.

Conception still hasn’t happened for us as of now, more than a year later, which makes things even harder. In October we started seeing an infertility specialist to check for any problems. All the tests have come up “everything is great/perfect/right where it should be.” Which leaves us where? So that’s hard.

Adjusting to stepmom life
Since my husband and I married in the summer of 2008, this is my first full year as a stepmom and dealing with all the feelings of overwhelm, fear, and jealousy that go with it. There are a lot of emotions that creep up when you become a stepmom. It can be disorienting. There were times I felt misunderstood and alone. I’m growing stronger at it, though.

In-laws moved in
My in-laws moved in with us temporarily. I feel bad listing this as a hard because it certainly must be harder on them having been displaced, but it’s a huge shift to go from a three person household to a five person household. There are four adults sharing a roof, not to mention parenting efforts of a 12 year old boy. Tensions can be high.

Financial stuff
My husband and I are both self-employed and while we were able to stay afloat, there were some months where things got really tight. Thank goodness we had savings. Depleting the savings, however, is not fun.

Bickering
Oh, how I hate to admit there was bickering. Alas, there was. Between me and my husband, between me and my stepson, between my husband and my stepson. We are lessening that trend and I hope we continue to work things out without being so quick to take offense.

The Good

Learning about myself as a stepmom
Learning that my feelings of overwhelm, fear, and jealousy were perfectly normal among stepmoms. Yay! I’m not crazy. I’m not a horrible person. I’m completely fine. Thank you Wednesday Martin for writing Stepmonster (and thank you, Erin, for highly recommending it). That book has completely changed my perspective and given me lots of ideas for step-family health.

Unleashing my creative side
This summer I did three things to unleash my creativity. I took a photography class, I joined a bunch of other bloggers in wrecking a journal, and I took Deb Owen’s Creative Pathways class.

As a result of all three, I saw the world in a different way. I didn’t shy away from trying new things. The experience of letting myself go without worrying about creating something perfect was extraordinary.

New respect for summer
Not since my school days have I ever really looked forward to summer. Even in my school days, I was usually content to enter Fall. This year, however, I realized I have an excitement over summer and a sadness over its end. I’m not sure if that is due to this summer’s creative burst or simply the weather. I think I finally learned how to make the most of summer.

Launching Too Many Toasters
Too Many Toasters was an idea I started conceiving over the summer. I was afraid to rush in for fear of fizzling out on it. As time passed, I was more excited about it and finally decided to jump in after realizing I can do it on my terms. I don’t have to write every day even though “ideally” blogs should have frequent new posts. Who has time to read all that anyway?

Being invited to blog on Working Mother
As a by-product of launching Too Many Toasters, I was asked to blog about stepmotherhood on Working Mother. If I can help one person out there relax in her chair and think “so I’m not crazy and it’s not just me,” then I feel that it was worth it.

All in all it was a roller coaster of a year. I’m glad to have come out, perhaps better, on the other side.

Feel free to jump in with your own hard and good list in the comments. Here’s wishing for a 2010 improperly balanced with more good than hard!

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Blogging About Stepfamily Life

Tuesday, December 29, 2009 at 10:10 am (life)
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Early this fall, I started thinking more about my life as a stepmom, more about my relationships with my own stepparents and step-siblings, and I realized I needed an outlet for those types of discussions.

It’s hard to admit, but sometimes I feel like I’m crazy. As in honest-to-goodness crazy. I get emotional, fearful, and have some really tough days. It wasn’t until I read Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do that I realized I wasn’t crazy. In fact, everything that I have felt and thought over the last few years as I’ve entered in to stepmotherhood are things other stepmoms go through. It was such a relief.

Since then, I approach things with more gentleness (to myself and my family). I do my best not to take offense at things where no offense was intended. I try to be helpful to my husband and my stepson and I also try to recognize my own needs and desires.

It’s things like this that made me think maybe other people out there have the same fears and worries. Maybe other people are scared they might be crazy, when really they are just fine. What if there is someone else out there who is a stepmom or is a grown-up stepchild and doesn’t know anyone else in similar circumstances? Who do they talk to?

For that reason I decided to start a new blog, separate from this one, dedicated to living a stepfamily life: Too Many Toasters.

I wasn’t going to mention it here. I was afraid people might think my new endeavor was weird or unnecessary. I worried people might think me weak or mean. Then I remembered how kind the people are who stop by this blog. How silly of me to be afraid of you! I’ve made some good friends here.

So I’m mentioning it.

If it’s not your thing, no worries. If you know someone who might get it, by all means, please send them a link. As of now, I am writing there on Tuesdays.

www.toomanytoasters.com

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